I'm not really certain of any specific reason but I was here alone today and was enjoying the peace for the most part but I just felt depressed again. I like being by myself sometimes because it seems to be the only time that I feel relaxed and okay with myself because I don't have people pushing their expectations on me and judging what I do. It also makes me reflect a lot though and sometimes I end up depressing myself as I look at my life and realize all that I'm not satisfied with.
I don't think watching Grey's Anatomy helped either. I love that show but it sure brought on more sadness because I watched the saddest episodes, IMO. I just still feel, rather stuck and worse even now that I have this muscle/joint pain to endure. I called my Uncle to refer me to a good Doctor around here yet I haven't gone because I keep doubting whether it could even be a physical problem or if this pain really is just all emotional.
I really don't know and I don't trust everyone here knows what it is either because they don't have to endure it everyday!I really hate complaining about it too often so when I say nothing people assume I'm better but I'm not. I'm not better and I wish people would stop pressuring me on the job shit again because I am NOT ready. I CANNOT SLEEP at night, I cannot fall asleep or stay asleep well and I do not get good rest and I cannot exercise or endure walking for long or standing for long or going ANYWHERE for more than a few hours how the FUCK am I supposed to hold a job?? Grandma took me to Starbucks where they made me apply the other day and I was freaking out just BEING there and imagining myself working there. I was in so much pain that we had to leave.
Oh yeah sure, I'm perfectly stable and ready to hold a job now! I understand their frustration and I'd really like to be able to do it because I want to earn my own money and have some normalcy in my life but I'm not ready for it. I cannot manage this pain and it's still unbearable most days. I have not gone a single day pain free in god knows how long and I am not willing to work while enduring this because it's too much. Once I learn to control it or if I do decide to go to the doctor and figure out perhaps if there is something else contributing to it then GREAT. I would LOVE to work and have a fucking normal life!I've love to support myself and live on my own and have a boyfriend and be happy and healthy but I cannot do that right now and I cannot do it with people looking over my shoulder and monitoring me like a pet or a child. I know they think they are helping but that doesn't help me.
You think if getting me a job would have fixed my issues I would have never been fired from basically ALL my jobs BECAUSE of those issues??I don't think anyone even realizes that or makes sense of it except my therapist and it's really frustrating that I can't get anyone to understand by using my own words. I need Dr. Dan to fucking interpret it for me because I'm retarded with communication thanks to my parents who also fail at it, thus I do and everyone else in our family.
I cannot verbally convey my feelings my feelings go through writing or drawing or they go to my gut and make me ill or my head or my fucking muscles. I wish was stronger and less sensitive but I'm not so I have to find a way to be comfortable and confident in myself and feel secure in myself before I go and tackle on the world, OKAY? Why can't I get that through to anyone?
Bah, I hope Dr.Dan talks to Grandma. He hasn't yet and if he doesn't I'm gonna call him because I need him to explain it.I cannot, I just..suck at it. I sure as hell can't say it to Patty because she doesn't get it either. She thinks she does but she doesn't. She has her own idea on what will fix me and anyone who doesn't agree with that is wrong in her mind. Does she realize how much she is like my dad? Except oh, I actually HAVE a relationship with her. I have NO relationship with my Father. We have nothing in common and we cannot talk to one another for more than a few minutes because we have nothing to say and that's sad. It makes me sad. It also makes me sad that I have no relationship with my Mother anymore because she has drifted so far into her stupid little church that she probably doesn't even remember I exist.
She never calls me and I don't like calling her because she says things to me that upset me and all she cares about is hearing my progress and crap. She just expects people here to 'fix me' because she doesn't want to put through the effort to fix her own damned family and give me the support and attention she's been depriving me of for so many years. I really miss her though because we were close, before her stupid church obsession we were closer but not anymore. When I visited after not seeing her for 6 months she barely talked to me or spent time with me. She was always on the phone and that really hurt me. She just wasn't 'there' and it was sad. And I kept thinking of her today and wishing we had a relationship again instead of her just focusing so much on that stupid church and helping other people out but not me, no, I'm not her problem anymore.
Ah Patty just called me, we're gonna job search tomorrow more, yay. So looking forward to that...not, wish she'd just back off and leave me alone cuz I don't need more stress on me dammit but she doesn't listen to me. Dan better call her soon or else I'm just gonna fucking lose my mind..