Sad day
I'm not really certain of any specific reason but I was here alone today and was enjoying the peace for the most part but I just felt depressed again. I like being by myself sometimes because it seems to be the only time that I feel relaxed and okay with myself because I don't have people pushing their expectations on me and judging what I do. It also makes me reflect a lot though and sometimes I end up depressing myself as I look at my life and realize all that I'm not satisfied with.

I don't think watching Grey's Anatomy helped either. I love that show but it sure brought on more sadness because I watched the saddest episodes, IMO. I just still feel, rather stuck and worse even now that I have this muscle/joint pain to endure. I called my Uncle to refer me to a good Doctor around here yet I haven't gone because I keep doubting whether it could even be a physical problem or if this pain really is just all emotional.

I really don't know and I don't trust everyone here knows what it is either because they don't have to endure it everyday!I really hate complaining about it too often so when I say nothing people assume I'm better but I'm not. I'm not better and I wish people would stop pressuring me on the job shit again because I am NOT ready. I CANNOT SLEEP at night, I cannot fall asleep or stay asleep well and I do not get good rest and I cannot exercise or endure walking for long or standing for long or going ANYWHERE for more than a few hours how the FUCK am I supposed to hold a job?? Grandma took me to Starbucks where they made me apply the other day and I was freaking out just BEING there and imagining myself working there. I was in so much pain that we had to leave.

Oh yeah sure, I'm perfectly stable and ready to hold a job now! I understand their frustration and I'd really like to be able to do it because I want to earn my own money and have some normalcy in my life but I'm not ready for it. I cannot manage this pain and it's still unbearable most days. I have not gone a single day pain free in god knows how long and I am not willing to work while enduring this because it's too much. Once I learn to control it or if I do decide to go to the doctor and figure out perhaps if there is something else contributing to it then GREAT. I would LOVE to work and have a fucking normal life!I've love to support myself and live on my own and have a boyfriend and be happy and healthy but I cannot do that right now and I cannot do it with people looking over my shoulder and monitoring me like a pet or a child. I know they think they are helping but that doesn't help me.

You think if getting me a job would have fixed my issues I would have never been fired from basically ALL my jobs BECAUSE of those issues??I don't think anyone even realizes that or makes sense of it except my therapist and it's really frustrating that I can't get anyone to understand by using my own words. I need Dr. Dan to fucking interpret it for me because I'm retarded with communication thanks to my parents who also fail at it, thus I do and everyone else in our family.

I cannot verbally convey my feelings my feelings go through writing or drawing or they go to my gut and make me ill or my head or my fucking muscles. I wish was stronger and less sensitive but I'm not so I have to find a way to be comfortable and confident in myself and feel secure in myself before I go and tackle on the world, OKAY? Why can't I get that through to anyone?

Bah, I hope Dr.Dan talks to Grandma. He hasn't yet and if he doesn't I'm gonna call him because I need him to explain it.I cannot, I just..suck at it. I sure as hell can't say it to Patty because she doesn't get it either. She thinks she does but she doesn't. She has her own idea on what will fix me and anyone who doesn't agree with that is wrong in her mind. Does she realize how much she is like my dad? Except oh, I actually HAVE a relationship with her. I have NO relationship with my Father. We have nothing in common and we cannot talk to one another for more than a few minutes because we have nothing to say and that's sad. It makes me sad. It also makes me sad that I have no relationship with my Mother anymore because she has drifted so far into her stupid little church that she probably doesn't even remember I exist.

She never calls me and I don't like calling her because she says things to me that upset me and all she cares about is hearing my progress and crap. She just expects people here to 'fix me' because she doesn't want to put through the effort to fix her own damned family and give me the support and attention she's been depriving me of for so many years. I really miss her though because we were close, before her stupid church obsession we were closer but not anymore. When I visited after not seeing her for 6 months she barely talked to me or spent time with me. She was always on the phone and that really hurt me. She just wasn't 'there' and it was sad. And I kept thinking of her today and wishing we had a relationship again instead of her just focusing so much on that stupid church and helping other people out but not me, no, I'm not her problem anymore.

Ah Patty just called me, we're gonna job search tomorrow more, yay. So looking forward to that...not, wish she'd just back off and leave me alone cuz I don't need more stress on me dammit but she doesn't listen to me. Dan better call her soon or else I'm just gonna fucking lose my mind..


Bored and too lazy to show off my ACEN photos cuz I don't think there's really anyone on here to enjoy them with me anyway.

Haha SO LOOK WHAT I DID WITH MY BOREDOM. (Fed my obssession)

Seishirou Expert: Click to visit fansite

Seishiro rules and you don't. Shut up.


I survived!
I survived the weekend at ACEN, lol. I was rather nervous at times and had a few quiet freak outs but as soon as I got moving again I was fine. It was really fun and I got to sleep on a bed! I didn't really sleep much with my anxiety and such but I still am glad I went. Everyone was impressed with my Integral outfit which I threw together with the help of my awesome aunt.

I couldn't do it without her and if I'm still here for Daisho-con in Novemember I'll definietely wear it again! I also hope to lose some weight by then since my jeans are feeling tight now, lol. But I met some of Syd's other awesome friends and bought some cool merchandise. Yay for X mechandise! I got a Tsubasa bag with Seishiro on it~<3 yayness and I bought the X/1999 video game even though I cannot play it since it's japanese, lol.

But Sam will help me get the thingy I need for it so I can play it. Eee I get to play Seishiro and hear his sexy voice xD;..I'm pathetic I know, I blew 40 dollars on this game just so I can play him D: I did the same for the Inuyasha game though. At least it wasn't Japanese imported though and had some english in it. The X/1999 game is ALL Japanese, I'll have no idea what anything says or what the people say but it'll still make me squee when I play it. I also bought a pretty CLAMP art book :D~ Yes I'm obsessed, but bleh. I was sad that I couldn't find a Seishiro or Subaru cosplayer. If I were a dude I'd totally do it but there's no way I could pull off either of them. They must be men. :nod:

I did see some neato costumes though. There were power rangers! Green and White power rangers! xD Awesomeness and a group cosplayed as the Last Unicorn! Spiffy. I also went to my first Rave though we didn't get in until 3 in the morning. I lasted for about an hour before I crashed but it was still fun. Sydney sure is a crazy dancer. I had fun watching her and all the other people who got into it. If my lower back wasn't spazzing I think I woulda stayed longer but it's been freaking out lately. I think I totally fucked it up and then Grandma made me rake on thursday and I think I aggravated it so it was sore a lot at the con but not all the time. It better go away soon though :| annoyingness.

Syd has some cute guy friends, though they all have girlfriends unfortunately. Blech, dissappointed especially since I'm pretty sure a couple of them were flirting with me. Sigh. I wish I could find a hot anime geek like them cuz I don't think a regular guy would ever accept my obsession. :( It takes a special person, lol.

Ah wish I had the right camera cord so I could upload the pictures I took and post them here. Not a lot of people check this thing anyway but lol, still.

Gah I'm nervous, Patty and I are searching for jobs for me, I'm scared. Though I know I need to work. It's been a year since I worked and I'm getting old. I've been seriously obssessing about my age lately and going 'man I'm getting old and I've wasted so much time over my anxiety and crap and missing out on stuff'. I know it's pointless to obsesss since there's nothing I can do about it but it makes me sad. People my age already are married and have careers and kids and I'm still trying to figure shit out. :sigh: Doesn't help that I went to a con where everyone was at least 2-3 years younger than me. I was the oldest one. How pathetic is that?? ;-;! I don't care, I so wanna go again next year if I can!

Right now I'm just chilling after I had dinner with Grandpa Tom's son. It was a good dinner and I tried to not eat so much but it's hard for me. I love food but I also wanna be thinner for summer so I can wear a suit and not feel like a whale.

::hugs her Tsubasa bag:: I love you Tsubasa bag! Oh and I got to pose with a Touga at the con! Tehee, he wasn't a very good Touga but still, I never have gotten to pose with one so YAY TOUGA!! :Flails and licks her shirtless icon of him:: Wheeee~


Oh yes
You know you love my sexy animated icon. Ooo babeh!

Ha ha. I guess you could say my cold is better today but my stomach has been freaking because I'm nervous about the Gracie thing. ::sigh:: Oh well, what else is new? I actually handled it better last night and managed to not let it keep me up all night t but I've been cramping today so hopefully it'll go away too.

Argh Rufus totally almost destroyed my art stuff while I was gone! W T F he never does things like that!! He's my favorite dog and now I'm mad at him! At least he didn't rip apart drawings but he chewed up my gum and eraser. >> Ugh. Dogs.

Oh well, super sexy Touga icon amuses me right now.

::keeps watching it::


So much for that.
Well I thought I'd be better today so I could enjoy the Sunday brunch but no I woke up feeling worse and hardly able to enjoy the food. Why the hell is this sickness clinging on so much? I want it to go away. The aches are worse and so is the stuffiness, wtf how can there be any SNOT left up there??? Plus people keep freaking me out talking about this Swine Flu issue around me.

I'm like "yeah thanks guys, you know I'm a hypochondriac so please talk about this awful flu while I'm sick with flu like symptoms" >>

Ugh and I'm supposed to be going with Mary tomorrow, there's no way I'll be better in time to get up at 7 and drive Gracie to school on Tuesday and pick her up. What the hell am I supposed to say?? Mary has like no other options and I'm sure they'll just tell me to suck it up and junk but I feel awful still and I can't walk very well!Sure I'll drive a kid to school in the morning when I need to be resting and recovering!

Patty of course keeps doing that annoying thing where she's telling me what I have and how I feel..dude, I think I know how *I* am feeling more than you do!I'm sure she'll just tell me to suck it up and go too but fuck how am I supposed to watch a kid when I'm this sick??

God I'm pissed off and I keep having abdominal cramps too and I haven't even gotten my period yet. It's probably stress but come ON give me a fucking break!!


Slowly but surely.
My cold is gradually getting better. The Mucinex stuff is awesome. It really reliefs the horrible pressure all built up in my head and the motrin helps with my aches. I just hope I can sleep better tonight, lol. My running nose woke me up every few hours last night.

Damn I am really getting tired of my Grandma's dog. All he does is whine and beg and I'm just sick of it! Tom encourages the behavior too by petting him when he whines or giving him treats. Geez,I'm so making him watch Dog Whisperer with me one of these days so he learns how to properly treat the dog. I'm quite sure he has encouraged most of Henry's bad behavior. ::sigh::

At least I'll be going to Mary's for half the week where she has good dogs. Rufus is my favorite because he's a big handsome lab. I don't find Henry cute at all, just annoying. I like shadow though who is a similiar breed but she's smaller, black and quirky.I don't find any of Henry's habits amusing or cute. Most of the time I just want to punt the thing.

I'm a little nervous to help drive Gracie to school again but I've done it before so I think I'll be okay. I just hope my stomach behaves and I know my period is due. ::crosses fingers::

Ugh my hair never gets clean anymore. I don't know what it's issue is but I scrubbed it so much today and it still has all this crud underneath!Patty is just going to have to do it for me or whatever. It needs to be really clean for ACEN since I'm not wearing a wig. I wish I had extra money to dye my hair blonder since it's not that blonde right now but oh well.


Not cool
Count_seriouz busniess
I jinxed myself. I was talking about how I hadn't gotten a cold this year and then BAM, a bad one hit me today. Sore nasty throat, killer-head pain and aches and pains. Hurray me! I knew something was off after I walked the dog this morning and my body felt abnormally tired.

I'm glad I went back to bed for a few hours. I could have probably slept even more but I didn't think it was good or knew I was that sick until a few hours later when I started feeling like shit. Took some mucinex, drank water and had some motrin and I'm feeling a little better now. Still kind of hurts to walk around too much and my head feels funny but hopefully it'll clear up soon if I attack it with all my drugs,lol.

I especially hope it's gone by Sunday because we're having people over for Brunch, yay brunch! Then I have to help my Aunt with my cousin because her husband is out of town and she needs me to drive Gracie to school a few days. I already did that last month so I'm not worried I just hope I'm all better by Tuesday. Haven't gotten my period yet either though I'm sure I'll get it tomorrow and have a double whammy with the cramps AND a horrible cold.

::sigh:: I'm all sniffly now and sore. I'll probably go to bed in an hour or so. Damn you John, you totally gave this to me!


Getting better..sort of.
Well my stomach has gotten better slowly since I've been walking more and drinking more water. But another depressing thing I'm obsessing about of course; my weight. According to my Aunt's scale I've gained at least 6 pounds since I've been here. That's a bit disturbing and now I'm Obsessively walking each day to try to lower it again.

I didn't realize how much I was pigging out here but I went off my plan a while ago and still managed to maintain a reasonable weight until recently. Sigh. Oh well I'll just have to try harder.

I'll walk more and try to eat less again. I can still fit into my size 8's but they're getting tight and that's bad. I was a six last summer and I want to be that size again. :| Kinda harder here though when they have so much good food! Tom makes yummy bread all the time and Grandma keeps buying me pasteries. :cries: I'm doooomeeed. :flail:

Gawd I hate that I was raised to be so vain. :/ but being around a bunch of tiny aunts doesn't help me feel great about my size. And swimsuit season is upon me. Eeeep.

I went to the Art Museum today with my grandma because she does tours there and wanted me to see this exhibit before it's gone. It was pretty interesting I like old paintings like that so I didn't get bored and we had yummy lunch afterwards. (God I'm so food focused. I love food. Good food =happiness.) Hey got to watch some anime while I was here though. Finally found a place that streamed Antique Bakery and Gankutsuou. Gankutsuou I loved the most, obviously since I just uploaded a bunch of icons for it.

It was very sad though and I sort of knew how it would end but I kept hoping it wouldn't end like that because I love the Count. I've been wanting to watch that series for a while now and now I'd like to buy it at some point when I get a job and start earning a steady income,lol. Yay, buy stuff!

I should make those cookies I promised grandma. For some reason people really like my cookies here even though I don't think they are really special. It's nice to get complimented though and I love eating the dough so hey, what's a few more POUNDS?pfft..


Stomach shows no mercy
Sei x Sub
God, here I am trying to get better with this Shaman psychologist guy and my stomach attacks are getting WORSE. W T F MATE? This one has lasted pretty much four days and it's hardly stopped at all. First night I was up till 5 in the morning with horrible non-stop cramping and then I finally went potty and felt better until later on that morning when the pain returned. Now it's been on and off since and it's really getting frustrating.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?? I know it's probably because I haven't been excercising as much lately but come on can't I be lazy one day without having that kind of consequence??My tummy is so sensitive to every emotion and I can't seem to control it. ::sigh::

I miss my dog, and jemma. I keep dreaming about Raffi and it makes me so sad that he's not around anymore. I really hate my parents for making me give away one of the few things that made me happy in that fucked up house. I really feel the people here in Wisconsin care a lot more about my health and well-being then my parents who are so engulfed in their own crap. And they want me to come home? Yeah right, I'm much happier here even with my pain.

People here LIKE having me around and don't see me as a nuisance. I do miss Alex and my niece and sometimes Mom and Will but I still have a lot of things to work out here with Doctor Dan so no going home until it is. I probably shouldn't be downloading things on Grandma's laptop but she doesn't have a router so I have to use this computer. I need to hear my music.

Oh, I'm kinda nervous but really excited to go to ACEN!I haven't been there in like..5 years? And now I'll actually be around when it's going on!It's really expensive and I'll be sharing a hotel room with like ten people but it'll be awesome! And I'm finally working on my Integra costume with my Aunt. She's so helpful and supportive with my nerdy stuff. Unlike my family who just think I'm crazy. She does cause me some stress sometimes cuz she's a little bossy and overbearing but she sticks up for me and is there for me a lot more than mom has been. She's my new mom lol and I dub Sam my new brother because he's awesome! Sydney has no idea how lucky she is to have a brother that is so sweet and caring and CONSIDERATE of her. He actually WANTS to help her and spend time with her. My brother just calls me an idiot and never talks to me, ever. I'm sure he doesn't miss me but I don't miss him either. So bleh.

I kinda contacted Kou a month ago, felt a bit awkward for me since I disappeared from the journal but I didn't really feel like things were going anywhere anymore and she seems just fine and dandy without me or my characters around. She's content to do her own plots and whatever she wants which is fine I guess. I'm just reluctant to reconnect with her because she'll tell me all that I missed and all the things she's changing and it'll depress me. I really don't need to feel depressed right now when I'm trying to get my life in order. Plus I'm sure she's busy with all her stuff and from what she told me on Gaia it seems she's doing good so that's good.

I also talked to Allison on Facebook. That was strangeeee, but she seems happy and she's moving back to Minnesota. So I can see her when or if I return so it'd be nice to try to reconnect with ONE of my old friends since I have no friends anymore. Sydney is probably my best friend, lol. I wish I had friends like her though I don't have any nerdy anime friends I can hang out with and babble on about manga and anime with, especially Yaoi. I feel so alone in Minnesota but I feel so loved and welcome here in Wisconsin. I'm in absolutely NO hurry to go home plus I earned some nice money from house-sitting a crazy little dog!

Too bad most of it will go to living expenses. :(



Keep forgetting
Sei x Sub
I keep forgetting that I have this journal. I mostly just use this account to join groups and see lots of pretty pictures.

Don't have much to write on, only that I'm still having trouble moving forward with my life as usual. My stomach pain has gotten worse lately and so has my anxiety. We're searching some alternative paths to try to see if we can actually find a cause for my issues so I really hope that goes somewhere because I'm still convinced something is wrong and nobody has found it yet.

The only solution I can think of right now is to find one of those colon cleansing products you see on TV but aren't sold in any local stores. They may have it at the natural foods store otherwise you have to order that stuff online and it's expensive. But the last time I felt the best with my lower stomach was when I had to 'flush' my colon for my colonoscopy. After that my stomach was very good for a while so I think if I could just clean myself out entirely and have a fresh start that would help a lot. I'm quite sure I'm really blocked up in there and I have a lot of built up that never really makes it's way out. The colon flush probably won't be a permenant solution but I Hope it'll make the pain go away for a little while it's getting really annoying.

Drinking more water lately has helped a little but I still have the pains and urges to 'go' and there's no way I can move to WI while still having this issue and the anxiety too. If I can't get a job here I don't think I'll do much better there even with all my relatives shoving me. But I do want to see that Doctor my grandma knows who is a homeopath so we'll see where that goes possibly.

:Sigh: I'm just so sick of being uncomfortable, and afraid all the time, physically uncomfortable. I just want to be able to go through the days again without any pain at all. I used to, why has it gotten so bad lately?

I've had some awful incidents where I was in horrible pain all night long, and I mean ALL NIGHT, I'd be up till 6 in the morning with horrible cramps that eventually result in diarrhea and I'm still having cramps later on that day and pain. The pain never seems to really stop. I'm tired of it, so tired of it.


P.S. Hurray for Seishiro x Subaru icons! They make me happy. And so does Seishiro and Subaru fanfiction that I've been reading lately.


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